Stephanie

September 2020 – Changes

“Ch ch changes (turn and face the strange)

David Bowie’s song “Changes” plays in my head every time I hear that word.

Honestly, I did not know all the lyrics until today and I still do not completely understand them, but what I am about to write only specifies the chorus.

I may be in the minority here, but change for me are always an opportunity. An opportunity for growth and fresh starts.

Growing up the only consistent thing in my life was change. I find comfort in it when I feel restless, I will rearrange my home or start considering a new project. Some may say that boredom but no, it’s improvement.

I know there are negative sides to change. There are tragedies, loss and this current year has shown that. I am an irritating optimist though and honestly through this time I actually dug deeper into scripture because time stopped and so did change. I was forced to stop everything and plan for nothing.

With the virus came chaos. Not only was our nation suffering physically somehow emotionally and spiritually was brought forth as well and I realized in that moment the constant on the move, what’s next mentality, was not benefiting me in this world of pause.

I was forced to stop improving and doing the next thing. I had to face my fears and learn to thrive in this strange world. Learn that if everything was stripped bare what did I have? Talk about a challenge of faith and my foundation.

Once again this change was not bad. I seized it, the Holy Spirit took over and guided me through God’ word, boldness in my faith, and preparation for whenever normal life begins again.

It will, I know it won’t look the same, but we are all creatures of habit and seek comfort and it will look like our old normal again. Without a change that sticks, people will cycle back to what they know.

I think when David Bowie said turn and face the strange, I think he meant face the thing that doesn’t look the same. Change should look strange and different. It will feel that way at first but I encourage you to face it.

See the opportunity not the downfall. I hear one too many people hang their hat on “I am bad at change” that is not true. You just approach it with fear, shift that common lie and approach it with hope.

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August 2020 – Because You Said So, I will…

There is a weird type of growth

(no not that kind) that happens when you begin your messy crazy journey of your faith.

If you have grown up in dysfunction and chaos, your lessons in life begin at that root and then a regrowth in Jesus will start to take hold. Having said that, my past makes me cringe at the statement “Because you said so I will….”

I have lived a large portion of my life living like that, but submitting to the wrong “you.”

Because of that life that I lived when God says so, I question, go a different direction, fast forward or avoid. It is a lot of fun, especially when I hit walls and assume it was God stopping me from the most amazing plans, I have for myself.

I can remember one time when I was driving home with my husband and I broke down and said “why are people only friends with me when things are bad and they want to vomit on me then leave?” I feel like a huge garbage can!”

Not my finest “woe is me” moment but it was true. I had enough, I started becoming aware that I would get desperate venting phone calls from family and friends and then when things were going well in their lives I would not get an update of good things or even a continued friendship.

While I was in the middle of my sob fest my husband said, “What if God has a purpose in that?” In my beautifully sarcastic tone, “Oh really? God meant for me to be a huge dumping ground for people’s issues?”

You had to be there, but I think my husband was scared that he stepped in it with me, and shrugged his shoulders and said, “I don’t know ask God!”

My sweet husband has been through many of these moments and I am grateful to God for him because he truly helps ground me in times of blinding emotion and points me back to our God for guidance.

That night I cried and asked God for a purpose in this pain and frustration. I was tired. I was over people.

The next morning, I got an ad for becoming a Christian counselor. That was very much God because we had NEVER received that kind of ad before and to this day still have not received another.

I did not know what it was going to look like, how long it was going to take or if it was a general encouragement to get some help. I just felt heard and answered in that moment.

Then I got lost in church stuff, figured I would find my place in the building somewhere. That did not happen.

Then I figured, God must have meant go to college. Nope that did not happen.

I decided I liked kids. So we popped out a couple more.

Life got even more stressful and crazier and I adjusted Gods sign/answer a million times.

I would love to say something like I listened to God so faithfully and now I have a masters in Christian counseling and have helped so many and I am living my best life! HA, not really. That is ok.

No matter the specifics which I still do not know just Him showing up, saying anything at all was enough. God wanted me to stop doing what others said, and turned it to Because He said so.

Because He said…I will try.

There were so many times I gave up what I thought God said to sit here today, healed and a helper to others without the world’s classification on it but God’s. I am just grateful that every step taught me something and God knew His child, what she needed and how it would end.

I fought Him every time but because He said, I did and myself and my family are better for it. If not, Because He said, they will have to face it at some point as well!

Because He said…

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, your mind and soul…I will as soon as I stop being distracted by everything shiny

Do not fear…ummm I will try just keep the murder hornets at bay

Love others as yourself…I will try to stay off Facebook

Do not covet…I will try not to make an amazon wish list of my neighbors decor

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July 2020 – Freedom!

Freedom for me is something I never understood.

There are many different types of freedom and before you can experience freedom must know you are free. Saying “you are free” is not enough. You must test it out, it is like pushing through a fear.

I am a recovering codependent, this word is hard to define because this looks different to many people. This is what it looked like for me: a cage of obligation to others to feed my incessant need for love and acceptance. It shackled me to the ever-changing acceptance of the world around me. I filled needs of my husband, children, and church leaders with bitterness and resentment in my heart. I couldn’t keep up with all the needs. It’s not their fault; they had no idea they were asking me to reveal my self-worth with every request.

I had no idea until I had my third child how deep rooted my identity was in other people’s opinions and affirmations for my life. I felt responsible for everyone’s emotions around me and denied my own needs. With children there definitely is the emptying of oneself to provide for their needs, because they simply cannot in the beginning. Your job as a mom is to remind them that they can do it; to help them trust their God given abilities to take first steps out the door and out into life. I kept encouraging my children, husband and people in church of these things.

I was a small group leader so I kept telling everyone that Jesus could free them. He loved them and accepted them and they were going to get through this thing called life. It’s like in the movie Hitch where Albert’s heartbroken that his girlfriend broke up with him and Hitch is telling him he will be fine and to protect himself from the pains of love and vulnerability like he had. The truth came out… This line in the movies hit me hard, “You’re selling this stuff, but you don’t believe in your own product.”

This is what I was doing. Telling everyone how great Jesus is and they should be following Him, but not me. I was too scared to let Him in. I thought it was going to hurt. I did not want to get too close because what if he was going to let me down or hurt me.

When I had my third child it forced me to say no to more, but I still kept trying. He was in the NICU for 7 days after birth and he suffered from silent reflux for his first six months of life. I was a stay at home mom to three kids now and everything in my life shifted. It forced me to really face the needs in my own home. I had a breakdown. I couldn’t stop crying. My anger was overwhelming. My insecurities were screaming at me more than ever.

Under a tight budget and time constraints I finally told my husband I NEED HELP. The wave of relief came over me and I started counseling the following week. That statement alone gave an opening for Jesus to truly work on my heart. I had to get down to the ugliest truth of my healing journey which was getting in God’s way and not allowing him to work in my life and other’s lives. I assumed that could fix my mom, my dad, my husband and if I could just save one more persons struggle it would be enough and things would be perfect. In assuming this, I neglected my soul and created the ugliest type of love–resentful love. I wanted to love freely without obligation of return.

The freedom I started to experience after these revelations was very weird. I could only explain it as stepping one foot out of the cage, then maybe the leg. The lack of bars was weird because the bars had become my safety net. They felt comfortable. My first steps were almost those of a teenager exploring their independence and finding their identity.

I chopped and died my hair. I told my husband where I wanted to eat and didn’t change my mind because of his facial expression. (Remember, I felt responsible for other peoples emotions). I went to a women’s retreat by myself. Drove alone and even did my own thing instead of feeling obligated to go to all the workshops offered. I did some studies to help me understand why I operate the way I do and the unhealthy things in my childhood.

Over time, the chatter in my mind that labeled me selfish, not enough, and unfit was getting quieter. I had to trust Jesus when He told me loved me; that He would be there to fill in the gaps where I had failed; that He is guiding me as long as I let Him. I am free to make a mistake, take a moment, sand ay no because I don’t want to. I can be honest and give love freely without resentment because my anchor, Jesus, loves this way. I can allow people to make their own decision about me and not care because I know my heart, intention, and God.

This is my kind of freedom.