Alyssa

August 2020 – Because You Said So, I Will…

During my eighth grade year,

I really didn’t want to go to school. The first quarter was just horrible. I didn’t get along with one of my teachers and I just didn’t like the people I was surrounded by. I really wanted to do online school. I kept asking my mom about it, but she told me to stick it out a little longer and if I was really unhappy, I could go online.

She worried that if I went online that I’d need a lot of social interaction outside of it. She felt it wouldn’t be good for me so I kept going to school and actually enjoyed the last half of my eighth grade year.

I’ve also been to therapy about three times in my life. Three times means with three different counselors to me, so it’s technically more than three, but I’ve seen three different people.

The first one, I didn’t really have a choice, but I liked going. She would talk to me about my feelings when my parents were going through their divorce, and she’d help me understand them.

The second time, I saw another lady. She had a dog that I adored, but I felt I needed to see someone because I was feeling a lot of things that I couldn’t really process. She helped a little bit, and I eventually stopped seeing her because I felt like I had things under control.

The third woman, I didn’t really feel like I needed to see. My mom set up the appointments, I only had two. I remember I was really anxious for the first one because I had to unpack all my childhood stuff again with someone new. I felt better after the session, and I went to the second still skeptical as to if I needed it. I didn’t really feel like I got much out of the experience, but I’m grateful that I went each time. I still went despite the fact that I may not have wanted to go, and I learned just a little something: sometimes we have to do the stuff we don’t want to in order to move forward or see what we want in the future.

I did the things that the people who cared about me said I should do, so I could be better for myself and them.

I know they had my best interest in mind, so because they said so, I did.

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June 2020- What Would I Tell My Younger Self?

Something I would say to my younger self?

There are so many things. The underlying theme of it all would be to love yourself despite all that tries to make you not.

Going into high school, I found that I did things for me and not for others. I feel happier when I felt as if I was living my life for others.

I’ve grown into a person who I love and I’ve made friends who help me to continue to grow.

Something to tell my younger self or someone going into high school, find a good group of friends. Be open to learning and trying new things, but never lose sight of you.

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May 2020 -Isolation

Being that I’m just freshly 15 years old, it’s kind of surprising the amount of isolation that I’ve experienced. We all have had some kind of isolation throughout our lives, but emotionally, it’s been a wild ride.

My parents have been divorced since I was eight years old. Both have dated since the split, but my dad has had three very serious relationships since then. His last has been the longest and the one that I’ve bonded with the most. I’m going to change names for the sake of privacy, and I now appreciate these people, though we do still have our ups and downs.

The Summer I got out of sixth grade, I had to go for six weeks to visit my dad. He had just moved in with his girlfriend, we’ll call her Jane, and her two daughters, who we’ll call Mary and Hailey. The house they had moved into only had four rooms, which meant the youngest, Hailey and me, had to share a room.

It was not an easy transition and the feeling of loneliness soon became company. It was weird, like a constant shadow just over me all the time, even when the “family” was spending time together.

I’ve already struggled with anxiety, but this also was depressing. I would cry alone, anywhere I could do so. I felt like I had no one to talk to even though my mom was a call or text away, even my sister was a room away. It had taken me so far from myself, that I couldn’t open up anymore.

I was a slave to my emotions, and I finally burst on a vacation that the six of us went on. That didn’t help anymore, it only made my situation worse because my feelings were invalidated, further pushing them down.

However, this story is not a sob story, but a story of growth. And grow, I did.

It took a lot of work, a lot of time, a lot of crying and talking and praying. I got better and the lonely left. I came back to Arizona and met with a counselor, talked with my mom, and understood my emotions.

7th grade was a rough year, basically an extension of the Summer before, but then it slowly started getting better. I’d notice the way the sun would hit the trees or the way my dog Linus puts his head on his paws when he stares at me. The little beautiful things that God had put around me. I became closer to my mother and my sister. I worked on my relationship with Jane and her daughters, now they’re some of the closer people to me. Being isolated was a complete change, but I became me again and grew stronger from that. When I’m feeling lonely now, I reach out to my friends, go sit with my mom, and hang out with my sister. I remind myself of all the people that I have.